Your Time with Kim 11-18-09 with music

" Yeah. Williams and CNN. -- okay. And as. Suing me. -- okay. Can yeah. Name. Okay."

" But the mayor Kwame. Seems that you broke up with her because she refused to have sex. Mike Kelly welcome to you what time with Kim Iverson he's your girlfriend is here to you know. Yesterday we were talking about Megan fox and the New York Times magazine article came out about her. And the question that they wanted to know was really her people are trying to figure out why women don't like Megan Fox. So we talked about that last and show and I did get so many emails and so many people commented on my FaceBook lock step with the topic there. And there are lots of people who said anything from. You I love Megan Fox or no 800 I don't like -- is because she's too pretty -- people saying oh they're just jealous two peoples and she's just not very. Real she seems kind of like up the solder fake. Yeah I got this email from right and young sixteen year old girl and she says. 16 am not a fan of Megan Fox I feel she has not proven herself she seems arrogant. But also she makes me feel badly about myself which is a personal issue but she flaunts herself cover yourself up -- modesty please. Hearing men and boys fawn over her including best friends teachers my own father can be distracting distracting and disheartening to say at least. The mail media glorifies her so much I -- in most ways comfortable with how. I look physically but when I have been compared directly to Megan Fox as not being as pretty as her or never can be as beautiful sexy or talented. As it makes it a bit hard I respect Megan for her very limited accomplishment a -- respect -- for body your flaunting her wanting to base your career by being eye candy for men. In getting its email and his young girl. What you know I don't know if anybody is necessarily saying to her directly and I don't know I don't know this girl I don't know who she's surround yourself with but I don't know if anyone is really coming on saying what you're not as -- and fox are. You can never be as beautiful sexier talented. But I'm wondering if that's how she's interpreting yet. Because the men around her like she says her best friends her teachers her dad every man around her is gawking and fawning over Megan Fox right. So when that happens tonight. Look at that look at. Her hair like her eyes and lips or whatever and you look at yourself in the -- when -- young sixteen outgrown you don't seem to have the same features you think tier stuff I can never be as pretty as her. I can never. -- sexy. You know that's just. There's no question about it that's exactly she's thinking. And I know that because that's brand in my head at age sixteen and me as self esteem issues. Every now and they come bubbling back up as -- assaults on 27 years old. Yeah out when I got the -- I felt really. I wonder if well because the media always says that beauty is a certain thing. And that's how we have like these stick thin models right and they just keep getting -- skinny you're scared to even that once scandal where the Ralph Lauren model. Where she looks like stooges -- being too fat accident and then that when they modified her body in Geneva look like a human like an alien thing. That in our society is kind of changed on on what we view is beautiful and I think it does affect the young girls -- in some ads out there think I think doubt has been putting out loved getting even putting out a lot of ads to help young girls filled with self esteem and realize that beauty comes in many different forms. And that I mean there's this one advertisement. Where they have all these images of all these models are these beautiful models initial model after model after model after model after model and the nation this young like five year old girl sit in front of TV. Basically seeing all of this and say you know what is society teaching her about being beautiful. And in getting this email you know it. Kinda any change how it. How does it affect us when the men around us in our lives our Brothers our best friends are dads are husbands or boyfriends. Co workers all the men are alive when they dock over other women when it got over women like Megan Fox -- Scarlett Johansson or. Adriana -- our whoever they clocking over how does that affect us as women. What kind of message is that sending to us how does that make you feel I wanna know. Your answers to this 889225554. Art does that do not and Tia. No big deal what do you think give me cough give or call 8889 called him I."

" Do you I needed you know reviewing candidates. Hot -- my best."

" Not."

" Welcome back to the show it's your time antivirus and I receive this email from young girls saying that the men gawking. Over Megan Fox all men in her life of cocked over her have made her feel. Bad because she compares herself now. To make -- fox or any other women for that matter amend -- over and it gives -- postings I'm curious when the men around you admire their women. How does that make you feel Kayla. I'm sorry no this is Catherine -- How does it make you feel."

" And does not I mean I'm comfortable on the land look in the ways. Is that buying and they like. What they -- let them like that. --"

" Yeah are you in a relationship right now. Okay so -- when your partner does he dock over other women at all."

" Yeah he doesn't all the time but I -- printing and Michael we appreciate other clubs and you know both men and women. And it appreciate. I believe that and garage at the Asia feel comfortable enough to behave that I can't support that woman as beautiful."

" I think that's different than gawking. Brown now. Brown docking there I found my gosh that chick is so hot she is at yeah I love look at her or saying our you know she's a very beautiful woman."

" I mean there's. So a lot it. And keeping it she's beautiful. That's okay and that's a big talking hot and you know that's and that that's not a big deal because -- climatic enemy inner. Well you know everybody's got that little batted in the ahead. Like expressly you know most of us with the Hollywood is not that got that bad at the end and that's somebody's so hot and allied boo and they got to go to the opportunities. And get their music. As to what there's no difference I believe. A woman doesn't sell manner command you know like. At night and fox it's not her fault that she was -- that great genes."

" She actually bought it with plastics that's beside the point. I just ask -- for your call. It Nevada. I dale and I welcomed the show. So how does it affect you."

" I can't tell you I'm from experience has won on your -- friendly. She had to interpret art that. Not happy for -- Pet when that I -- an appetite for our look at that -- paying attention hurt the rule -- trying to -- might seem a little bit. But then. After a lot -- terror Ed and the guy that I I France acted exactly Ellington had a -- I mean they're like outlet. She -- electric personality. Don't think she got contrary is hurt -- and -- Act. -- They'll likely -- like Hershey have a personality. You are more attracted and car."

" Yeah that's what I would say whenever guys like the gawking at another woman I just say. I have a great personality."

" Actually promote it like it knocked me that that I am and now aren't I -- actually and that. I love my -- I'm proud of my body and married saying and I think they at least you know I'm -- 100% natural at being nomadic from."

" All right -- thank you. He Mary hi how does it affect you would -- gawk over the women."

" Affect me god but in a relationship for two years and have lots of Skype talk time and time again over. Carmen -- so I'm pretty sure that Megan Fox is affecting beyond that."

" All that Carmen does that affect -- and -- make you feel liking it is small tiny waist and big huge groups."

" Not that I completely content with the land and I haven't but. Huge self esteem in my world I am Megan fox and you don't like lookin' at -- and don't."

" Does -- get rid of threatening to Mary. And I. Imminent everything both sides and and we do we do need to learn how to become very comfortable on our own scan and have that confidence and that's self esteem and also. Just like let Dan Taylor was saying is. You gotta realize that. Looks only goes up our brand stands I don't mean to basher. But Tyra Banks to me is a really good example of where. Now they're locked into that lover and I get that but. When I watch her show. And I listened to her she becomes very unattractive to me so and she's an incredibly. Beautiful woman on the outside incredibly gorgeous yet. I think she becomes very unattractive to many men when -- Come around turn I think it's you know as women we can think of all those guys you know that the guys that lit their shirts up and take pictures themselves on FaceBook and yet it got a hot body in -- good looking guys -- on attractive to us because. They're personalities don't match so I do think that we need to focus more. On the entire beauty that a person has thank you so much for joining me."

" In all."

" We need."

" I mean I'd just anybody else's husband would have path. I didn't think it. Yeah yeah. Getting on the good side and his mother was like. One day or month the next season to me I think somebody needs another look and the."

" Welcome to you which time the Phillips and -- your girlfriend and she's here you know. We -- military what do you think your primary obligation is do you think it's to be a good parent forty think it is TV. A good soldier 11 men Alexis Hutchinson. Was asked to deploy to Iraq she's in the military she's a cook in the army she was asked a player or Iraq the problem as she has a little boy. And no one in her family can take care of her son. So the army said to her. Well then you're going to have to take a Foster care. Put in Foster care and go to Iraq like exposed to your being deployed. So Alexis."

" Goes missing. Because she's not gonna put us on Foster care she can't find anybody in our -- to take care and she was also ever mother take care about her mother felt ill and is now in care. So she obviously her mother can't take care -- Alexis lab no one else -- care my son. So she disappears and she goes missing for ten days and now what she is potentially facing is. I'm sorry no now she is being held at the hunter army air field in Savannah and she's basically she's in jail she's an army -- For missing deployment. And her son is in the custody of local child welfare officials. So."

" I'm curious what you think of this do you think that it is more important for you serve your country is your primary obligation when you join a military you do that willingly no one's asking you to join military you do it willingly. When you sign these papers and you decide to be in the military and you know that you potentially will face deployment. And that -- Collins. And you have a child now. What is your primary obligation is it to your child or is it to your country give me cough. -- or call 8889 called him. Yeah."

" He was sexy when you were talking. We are so I'm not having this conversation."

" It's. And that's. She we."

" They're -- I ever sent Alexis Hutchinson is an army cook and she's a single parent. As you might be facing criminal charges because she refused deployment orders. That would taker overseas. She's currently being held at hunter army air field in Savannah as a case is being investigated. She has an infant son. And her plan was to have her mother care for infants on. Well after Alexis received her orders her mother felt ill. And it fell into the care of others and so now her son would be left alone she went to her superiors about this and they said well. He gonna have to put him in Foster care. That you do need to be on time for your scheduled deployment. What do you think about this is your primary responsibility when you join the military is your primary responsibility to your family. Or to your country Russell what do you think."

" Hello -- what do you think."

" At but I think the government probably should do elected I think he spoke -- jerky at especially in him but. And she can't seek out thinking and a word or -- get -- stay at what she's over there I think they should tamper with it. And and equipping of of my -- procure and everything."

" I mean what is -- situation you're already stressed out thinking that -- to go to war. You know you don't know if your if your base is gonna be attacked me don't know anything right you're stressed out thinking that you might not ever come back. And then that spot and your child being in Foster care during this entire time with people that he doesn't now strangers I mean. That is enough to just make you go completely -- I would think what are your thoughts on this Kathy."

" Initiative have and we care plan actually at one."

" The plans felt that I do she able. She couldn't -- Chapter out she could have -- to jag -- hurt by trying to -- but she chose to go any law. Which is that wrong way to deal with."

" in their other things in place for her."

" She didn't kindly there are you know she's she's a single parent it."

" There's a lot of single parent in the military and my understanding of this story that her mom was at daycare provider."

" I had heard that her mom was ill."

" But there are other options she can bat it chapter out art ship. She should. Above and beyond else should not -- a -- because she committed a crime in the military when you know it while she committed crime. Here. And it."

" Steve's what you think. I'm really all is grandma had a -- what is your letting me he has that it and there's nowhere else to take here or he."

" our country is already screwed up as it."

" today's. Thank you. It's definitely really difficult to understand the situation I mean it's tough because she does have this infant child I do understand khakis position. I'm Alexis did note that she needed to had a family care plan in place that's with the military's been saying and responses to say look. Every parent in the military understands that they need to have a family care plan tonight I have many members of my family in the military. And my one cousin she has two children and she's a single parent and she knew that she had to have a family care plan my cousin has been deployed several times. And each time those kids have gone to either her aunt or her mom. I mean her mother practically raised those kids because my cousin was constantly being deployed. She's been in the military now she's practically the cool thing about the military's you to retire after like twenty years or something she's almost done. It's -- you do not you have to have a Stanley care plan however in Alexis a situation. No of the family care plan fell through because another became ill from what I understand now the mother is no longer ill and the mother has been able to pick up the sun. That that their little infant boy had to go to Foster care and tell the mother was well enough to pick them up and I think at this point she's I think she does have done. Now but Alexis is still in jail because she did go a while. What a tough situation act has an -- because I come from a big military family had another cousin who did go Elan it was ugly. --"

" I EU now. If I -- have a child. And for an extended period time say you know my my husband is in a hospital or something and I couldn't come -- working -- that sent threat yes. After a certain amount of time in my contract and I know legally after the like family medical meat -- lead actor whatever. Actors are -- times if it was like 63 months. I could lose my job and I'm very well aware. That that's a consequence. Sheen knew that this was a consequence of being a single mom of going in -- and and I -- I am with Kathy. I I really think that there are other I refuse to believe that our country is that cruel to the men and women who are willing to fight and die for us. So I really do believe there where there had moved and other -- she could've taken -- certainly hope we wouldn't be Akron I don't think -- I don't think so I I finger come country has a lot of problems. Our country is not perfect but I absolutely refuse to believe that they don't have other options now like that you know I join the military wants. Her week ever tell you about that now as every year which you do as an MP. That not surprise me now I learned how to fire at. Millimeter is -- I'm keeping people and --"

" Yeah -- top. I join the military because I wanted to pay for school I know house is gonna pay for and -- like law. And you know when they make you do this test when your high school and I scored really really well on that military tests and they said you you can do whatever you want. And I wanted to going to intelligence -- they said it would take too long to get all the education and they said well we can make your doctor -- like. I can't stand the sight of blood that's not gonna happen. It's like join the military and I -- became an MP because -- at learn how to shoot. You know a weapon that I can eventually. Keep for a long period of time right forever and ever I can hide one of those under my pillow. And my mom my my mom had to go to prison and all these things you're learning about me and my mom got to go to prison and I had I had to get out so -- never went to boot camp is you can join. About a year prior to being deployed -- a bit camp. To being sent and that byte so is like ripe for the camera mom went crazy and I'm her only child until I got out because of a family situation. I would think that Alexis probably also condensing things. Shall I the only reason I've ever thought about joining the military because I don't have that kind of soul I I don't I'm not that is to get in shape."

" Otherwise and now I I. The result like I don't want to be in the best shape I'm gonna look great acts and I was joined the reserves -- it's like yeah is gonna be off some. I -- with a friend she left and she came back and kick but I'll bet she came back great it was a great -- she loved being and it sound. Props to her coming up next -- to -- man's behavior. Well how to change your mindset not your man an expert is next is your time Kim Iverson."

" Can reach your time with Jim on the phone at 8889 called kill them or through email -- at your time with Jim dot com."

" Do you also feel. When my keys that. -- Yeah. And --"

" And yeah. Yeah yeah."

" and oh yeah. I don't know -- it's. --"

" Good night."

" Yeah yeah yeah yeah. I am yeah. -- have been done up here. -- Film you'll become an Hamlet. This film. I'll. That it clean and I don't -- and then go -- yup -- now."

" Okay and yeah."

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" And news."

" Lots of times of relationships we always look at her partner we think to hang. I -- to start fixing them I gotta fix my man's behavior. Well with us tonight is Sally Watkins she's a psychotherapist and the author of change your mindset. Not your man welcome to the shows Sally. So let's talk about his mindset that we have that we're Sony desperately needing to change."

" Right I think that there's not a woman probably on the planet -- hasn't. Gotten to that point in a relationship where she says -- gas what did I get myself into you'd have the whole list of things that are driving -- about the guy. I think a lot of that comes from growing up -- it playing wedding and barbies and watching sleeping beauty it. Reading romance novels we've we've really bought into this idea that falling in love is going to be every thing for a minute. Have that happily ever after just like the movies promised us. And that's that the evolution that a lot of women bring her relationship and it's very hard land is convince them and let --"

" You're right in that we have this tendency to believe that once we get once we find the love of our life it's almost like that's the end. You know and then from there it's just you do you go to this magical place where everything you tell I cannot commercial. I can't believe it's not better commercial when she -- Britain and they open the door to this wonderful world that's almost how we believe is kind of what happens when she finally realize ban. That's it."

" Right in you know we reviewed his behavior from the woman's perspective and we don't really think. That much about how he was socialized growing up and how he's hard wired. Because men traditionally. Aren't socialized for relationships they're pulled -- about their feelings toughen up. They're not as trains to be sensitive to everyone needs and feelings -- women -- And so women sometimes. Look at this guy who's -- that sometimes it. Or maybe he's offering very concrete practical expressions of love that she that we didn't get to. Because. She thinks it should be cherishing behaviors and and loving words it's so important and he he really. This isn't the way he brought that was brought up."

" That's a really good point that we as women. Start to look at our man and we almost want to in a way convert them to women."

" Yes we went in to be our best girlfriend and away and really the bit until then. And figure out what we need even before we know ourselves and so forth. And so when he doesn't see these things. Then that we can start and personalized woody doesn't make up hurtful stories about his behavior. In and start to. Believe that maybe he doesn't care about history not that into us. So I think. Even sometimes people who have. Difficult childhood and -- some of the ones that rain. All of their needs her relationship I think this -- is going to make up for for a lot of what they it. Growing up."

" Sharia courts -- that's why go to therapists now. Honestly I ended we do we just -- it all back to my child and I expect demands of fixed and says to do everything that you know my mother never did right. And it went in my therapist said to me yesterday she said you know in a relationship. Women have a tendency to expect demand -- still all of her needs and he's not going to an unfortunately he never will. I talk -- what's -- he just never well."

" He isn't and I think. In some ways that's not even a perfect have a relation right --"

" Yeah I always say. What would be the purpose then have having girlfriends if your man fulfilled every desire and need that you have."

" Yes and and you know it and other cultures and they've come by. Women were surrounded by other women and had a lot of more important -- do now so that. Sometimes why women look to -- and -- you see this emotional. Sounding board."

" Okay so now when we have this man and we're looking -- actions and they're starting to bother -- saying that this is based on the fairy tale that we built in our minds is is based on. Did it needed to have him fulfill all of our every desire."

" Right right and also reading into his concrete behavior you know he. He's socialized to do that they have these boxes and go to work and make money and and do these practical things and so we have to start to realize that we've got a different animal here."

" Okay we are talking to Sally Watkins she isn't a Psycho therapist also the author of change your mind -- not your man. We come back she's gonna tell us exactly how can we snap out of that. Mentality that we had that -- tell mentality so we can finally have healthy happy. Loving relationships that go happily ever after will be back this is your time with -- Iverson."

" It is okay."

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" Sometimes."

" We're chatting with Sally Watkins a Psycho therapist also the author of change your mindset not your man. They're just talking during the songs and I am really do you think it is a book every woman should read. Is this we'll spare so many relationships we are so caught up in the Tennessee we just do believe that on my gosh there's something wrong with this guy when he's thrown out the window right away. And it's not really the case men and women are different and we don't need to necessarily understand -- all the time. So Sally what do you think how do we change our mindset that we can't have healthy relationships with each other."

" Hello first I think. We need to have a full life her relationship can't be every thing. And I think sometimes women try to make it not everything -- central core of their life. And women need to star in their own happy life they need to find give them excitement and passion. And what makes them happy sometimes manner even more attractive so woman. Who is happy and fulfilled -- productive and so we're. And they might even get it charts that is all that energy that she treaty called it the energy. And then when she blew her that he might find he has to work in the garage or -- fishing trip or something right he doesn't want to be around that so. I think. Would women. Find their own purpose and their own passionate it's really. Makes the relationship more exciting."

" I think it's important to get a group of girls for -- When you're in a relationship with somebody because. Mikey just said your partner cannot be everything for a year. And men don't think endless and like women and so we can't say to our man I don't want to fix I just wish you listen and well. You know men are inclined to fix things maybe is -- called the girlfriend for listening."

" Yes I agree yeah yeah so I think. You know that secret of course really popular. And that's. Really am very much like cognitive behavioral therapy the whole point of that is what you think about what you focus on what you look at about what -- visualize. His that it expanded and create more sane thing. So if you're trying to fix them in -- in criticizing and then. You're gonna create more negativity. That would draw clam up. Get angry give up. But when you focus on the -- the positive. And value of the good thing. City doesn't show appreciation and gratitude to the more at that. You get affiliate it's not that secret you know these these ideas that's been around for entry."

" There's just about changing your mindset so give us an example of how someone can change their mindset you know let's say that demand is. I was the most common probably come across in are in a couple."

" Well I think a lot of women. Especially. In after that honeymoon has worn off. They don't feel that he -- in to this or went to talk to them but but she nodded cherishing. Not. Remembering the little things. We've heard people not to. Perfectionist she would want -- and she wants to be very special and he's not making -- feel very and so that's what the common."

" Okay so then how do we change our mindset in that situation."

" Well in that situation she needs to get busy and do something to make people happy he needs to. Find something fun to do call up -- girlfriends go out of play needs to. Get busy shopping guideline or that they mean there's all kinds of things she can do read a book find it by Dick Pitman -- This all kinds I think she can do that makes you feel happier and can play injured and not. Act out it dramatized. It criticized and so forth which it could really backfire."

" Okay so instead of -- expecting that fulfillment to come from him. And you know from changing your minds and realizing okay well he talked to me a lot because we had a lot of catching up to do we spent the first 25 years of our life together. And then realizing okay now we've kind of cut up and now it's time to just find some happiness and other places and that fulfillment and other places. And expect our man to. My guests don't expect. Anything really."

" Right it would when she comes back and he's. Had a good time. He's going to be the relationship and it feels she feared he couldn't be more lively. And I think the excitement it and it come back here in -- indirectly get more what you want -- I I -- me."

" Okay change your mindset not your man this is that -- great but that teaches you how to. Look at your past relationships and see how it's affected your current thinking realizing that fantasies have affected your. You're thinking and really tried to reposition your thoughts. In a positive way change your mindset not your man is the name of the book go to the website Sally Watkins. Dot net thank you so much for joining us this is your time we meet him Iverson."

" listening to radios most provocative entertaining unique and interesting show. This is short time with Kim Iverson. Now we're movie."

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" Yeah waited until May and your boobs are perfect your hair is best for their violent. I would walk her. Yeah welcome to your time with its choose your girlfriend did you see your email. Do you think you could survive and affair if you found out your spouse had cheated on you would you be able to work it out. With us tonight is doctor Paul Coleman he's a psychologist and the author of you him and the other woman welcome to the show doctor Coleman well thank you -- camp. This is a tough subject here it is infidelity this is so. Difficult to do what it is probably everyone's worst nightmare when it comes to being in a relationship you fear the worst fear that they will cheat."

" Yeah and it's it's that they can clear this statistically it is like 40% chance. Over the lifetime marriage that might happen."

" And then the in the Internet and chat with a."

" And things like that teams that other type of affair and it wasn't popular fifteen years ago -- yeah have to."

" Cyber affairs emotional -- for our great country. I had that question Korea some thumbing through your books you him any other woman there's a section here is viewing pornography informant unfaithful honestly think."

" You know. It's a tricky area I think it depends. A lot on the people involved in their relationship. I think a lot of people are just interest -- in Mexico or anything of that whether it's sex for the city to TV show. Or viewing. Pictures of naked people if they do it term what they think anything. More than a few hours a week is like considered probable. And it may seem like a lot of times some people put them. When people are on line at night -- spoke to sleep in and surfing the web go to those places they usually spend a couple of hours."

" I would say if you work spouse thinks that it's cheating then he his this. Don't think they say yeah that porn is a well I agree."

" I think he really should take it seriously that's very possible it's from from spouses -- just over sensitive. And they were insecure and some land halfway through that and -- maybe they need to take a closer look and see why am I insecure. I think from couples can just Reno roll their eyes and say no big deal but. But I think interest spouses and comfortable with it it's not a good idea to keep pursuing it and say well it's normal. -- that a lot. From them guys certainly and he in this -- that it's normal. Guys look at porn. Case closed and it really isn't that simple and can be a bigger problem it could certainly lead to problems especially if there's. In areas in the marriage as a relationship -- working as well. Pornography can lead to life pornography -- and my people on the other hand and that's. Really -- problem."

" Okay so tonight for lifeline we do have doctor Paul Coleman with us he's an infidelity expert and like I said the author view him any other woman so if you have just been recently. Dealing with the situation or maybe even not recently and maybe it's still haunting you and plaguing you wear your spouse has cheated. How can you get over this can you get over this that's what we're dealing with tonight. How can you process the news what should you do it right after you've found out. How can you even continue going on in a relationship when that trust has been broke and if you're in that situation right now go ahead and give -- the numbers 888. 9225554. Talk to doctor -- yourself and get the answers your desperately looking for can you. Break the love try to triangle and re claim your marriage. Will be back this is your time for -- Iverson give or call 8889 called him."

" You deserve that wouldn't mean seriously -- thank you shouldn't. The fair market criminal --"

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" welcome back to life flying here -- your time Kim Iverson we are talking to doctor Paul Clemente he has an infidelity expert -- author view him. And the other woman and we're taking your calls Josh what's your question for doctor Coleman."

" How are wondering if you're research. -- that -- such as much. Found statistically men achieved about one and a half times more won't have to do as many men and women while. So he might have 30% men fifteen to 20% women something like that wow okay."

" Josh have you ever been cheated on you a short time."

" if -- people order for people now sports site at the same person like he stopped being with that person. Yeah. Yeah. Good."

" Four kind of a lot better yeah well and we China or."

" and it just didn't happen she -- say that I won't do it again. I would appreciate what you and then. Yeah a couple of months later it happened."

" Yeah. Thanks for your called Josh good thing I -- I'm at a buy out. Dot com and at what point when a person is a habitual cheater I mean how is it after one time you cut it off after two times easy to -- yet."

" Well -- one time the outcome is would not be used habitual good people do make mistakes people do. Things that they really really regret I think -- at a kinda have to fear the person is and that's not always sees itself. But it that the most sincere person is gonna work hard at bringing back your trust. And there are going to be very sensitive to the pain which you could not sensitive to that pain in the going to get over -- quickly. I'm where they do or they diminished their role in their own affairs between Madonna that people -- situations -- it'll hold up to it. That you have to be highly suspicious. If you give them another chance you'd used to taking that chance."

" And yes the four times as excess -- much okay but let's take another call. Primary. I -- my doctor Coleman."

" Primary hi -- you. I'm okay kind of a long story short island re engage the few years ago. And carrying kind of about mid point of our engagement I had discovered that and I'd been cheated on. During during the engagement period. And I took some time inside about it and I just decided it's. Was something that I just couldn't liquid ethnic it and forget it forget inside broken up. We're done. And it's spent several years now then and then another -- relationship and we are talking about. Pop a marriage and stuff like that and I for some reason I agents still have that and then it here as being cheated on then yeah. Because it makes me churn -- and."

" Imagine the problems for a lot of people they've been cheated on the past are carrying it to their new relationship what advice to you have -- common."

" Right well it's if if he's really an honest person and Mac and achieve a new you'll be understanding of that -- try to be reassuring he will be impatient if you if you are still. Question. Or you're asking him you know we're worried and things like that or if you're acting like you're insecure with him he's not gonna like that if he is. Somebody to be trusted. So it's okay to report your feelings and the favorite just bear with me. But if you try to make him act differently. Just to prove to you that yeah I would caution you about killing a."

" I have I mean howdy. How to eat it just kind of going about it means it's. I you know I've done that is trying to have done nothing but then the paranoid. You know person that's been like we'll bring you need the team's best -- I could see that it has you know frustrated him that he at the same time he. Has been very optimistic that. I'm not I'm not that I am a different person you know I'm not -- unit you know but they still just -- that Eric I -- had. Okay actor -- just having a hard time getting over it so."

" Trust of the big leap of faith you know and and that's what you're gonna ultimately have to do -- think and I live with not knowing for sure. And that's what everybody have to be willing to do. Yes we have a hard time with that. You -- element having a hard time but let him -- Google -- intimately and make those choices to to what he's doing and go where he's going and he will be carefully. But if you push him. Or make you feel like he's guilty of something like. And it's going to be a problem."

" for me I am I don't have a cheating issue from my past but I haven't abandonment issue because my mom of enemy when on the little kids. And so I have the same sort of thing were in my relationships I bring this whole. I need to know I need to have control because I can't bear the thought of even for second being abandoned. And just like what doctor -- says you have to get comfortable with this feeling of not knowing and it's difficult and for me what's helped me as I've had to go to it."

" Our best yeah you know I mean maybe that's something you ought to consider Adam."

" Hey if they really -- it for any caller it's it's like your own posttraumatic stress disorders like your -- 9/11 impersonal violence. And and he will have thoughts and fears afterwards but you know you shouldn't be having. And a very good therapist can help put that pretty quickly."

" Yeah. Good luck Mary. Yeah EB had a happy life I -- I -- I don't let -- one bastard ruined the rest airlines aren't able to get out there. I rightly which I hate."

" All right we are on the line with doctor Paul Coleman he's the author view him and the other woman. Go to his website best intimacy dot -- can grab the book also learn more about. Doctor Paul Coleman and this is lifeline so if you are going through an issue. Dealing with infidelity you found out your partner has cheated maybe you've confronted them maybe you haven't. Maybe you're still having trust issues. Maybe you're thinking you should leave -- you shouldn't give us call 888925554. This is your times that Kim Iverson."

" Daylight to comment on tonight's show since -- email it's easy to remember Kim did your time with -- dot com. When there's -- You lose. And okay. I am on June you know. CNN. Okay you wrong."

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" This lifeline tonight here on your time with Kim Iverson and we are talking to doctor Paul Coleman the author of -- him and the other woman. He's an infidelity experts that you are dealing with some cheating in your relationship. Good time to call 8889225554. I -- here on the line doctor comment tell us what's going on."

" I had been boyfriend for about two years you know our our relationship figures but. He had I've been done before it and -- guess what credit. He delete text messages from girls here girls popping up and saw all the time. Is such that -- and they're just friends but. I mean he like you delete messages from them I don't ever know what they say yeah I had a problem with that."

" I understand has privacy and and and net debt that's one thing to be respected. But -- it will be not a big deal for him to show you those things just to reassure you and not completely. But the fact that he's wanting to makes me makes me suspect doesn't mean he's guilty that I -- the firing your shoes I'd be saying you know it's just reassure me that."

" A lot. We what I told him that I have issues with the ways that he acts sometimes that is those things he does what was its stuff. He gets angry at me. And -- you know he told me that you know you -- great and not great are -- concerned that you -- its leader and that you know he can be trusted and I -- have a lot of paranoia I would miss and he puts up with at most the time that sometime. When it -- a situation like that -- how deleted the text messages or you know there's a new girl. Coming around you know he's just -- it's really defensive."

" So I've been telling him market make everything an open book. Without putting himself for the prisoners having to check in with human cases school child. Just like he -- chicken. And we and using your words I would say view maybe you need to do something that maybe you're pushing him away. But a -- refusing to try to cooperate. That makes these suspicions."

" Now. -- good luck holly thank you all right but I. That's a common and at that situation if you do find out let's say for sure that your partner has cheated on you can't. Do you recommend confronting them right away do you recommend. Holding back in gathering Intel's."

" You know. I think it depends on the nature of your relationship where your and it. It's this year marrying again kid. Mortgage and things like that. The stakes are very high."

" And people who are having -- will lie sir do you get work very well and they will hide things if you kind of."

" Show your your hand too quickly they may delete everything he can get so I would probably be a little bit more of."

" Private yeah I know it's not fun to do that."

" And it's cool wants to be like that. But just be extra sure yeah because they were alive able deny they say this is just an extenuating circumstances you're completely wrong they always make. The the person who's accusing them feel like that the worst person few in the world for not trusting them and they lied to your face when they are guilty."

" Right okay. So since you are eight you know in a situation he knows that their your your pretty confident that they cheated you're probably best off gathering."

" Gathering more data so that that you can't be talked out of it and being made to feel like you don't know what you talk -- clear cut case."

" I inherited so let's say is that the clear cut case a clear cut case for exactly."

" Okay all right let's go ahead and take another call."

" I Andrea. You're on the -- with doctor Coleman what's going on."

" I'm actually. Cheated on my cousin. Okay and I'm trying to figure out what -- I can do to help him get over it."

" Okay what you're Hispanic girl trapped. What is this stumbling block right now I don't know how long this has been going on working on it."

" We had -- other order seventeen years. And I cheated on him. She could not need to get back. We've been separated for two years and her body you're happy now they're back together try to work it out."

" Just as having -- really hard time."

" Over the trust but I propaganda."

" And there is even jealous overt like relationship I have with my kids and -- think it. He wants a lot more attention -- you mean yeah see you know -- can make all the time about. Tech etiquette and the kids -- more effort itself but. I -- I tried to accommodate what he feels he needs. But I don't wanna be completely unhappy right outside my train from London Connecticut."

" Is a lot more complications to this thing you can probably discussed on the program that we have time -- doesn't -- to straightforward try this try that. I think part of him maybe also angry -- upset the fact that. He's actually used so he's resorted to that he might be thinking -- made me do I'm not a cheater and you know actually. -- it actually -- okay so he's pretty angry at himself and view. -- his mind making him become a person he doesn't think he would. So he's also that he wants payback for that as well so that's what it's getting more complicated. Com. -- public is being a little bit too possessive. Out of fear and a little bit out of punishment his dad is sensing. And that's -- of this punishment is is -- not work to his advantage because he's not trusting. Right he's basically -- you doing his thing he's thinking you're doing wrong things at -- time indicated the bank is whatever. When he's really should be saying I'm just feeling a little insecure how can we -- spent more time together is situated that I am not asking you have to. Diminish your relationship. Kits for example but not doing you can get -- control. Right now and that's the problem. He's got to pull back from that control. I don't know opportunities that -- we expect."

" Her luck on that one Andrea. Maybe go to therapy. Every tried that it's help but were up on all. Preparing to go to different want it if Alan Murray figured out it yeah yeah okay -- Andrea OK --"

" We're talking to doctor Paul Coleman for tonight's life line -- talking about infidelity how you can survive an affair go to his website best intimacy dot com. He has twelve books including you him and the other woman we're gonna take one more call we come back this is your time -- percent."

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" Your time Kim Iverson for tonight's lifeline we have infidelity expert and author of you him and the other woman doctor Paul Coleman KP has gone."

" They he's good. What's not okay well that started off me and my wife have been together for eight years. We have have been married for eight years were newlyweds discovered -- we have two -- Elitist fears are pressing him very well have to get back from Jamaica VMware's. Approximately five days in this. And guards have feelings for or my best friend. And from their live on. Sexual actions. One on what was mayor and -- a few months of this. That's in the making now. And she confessed everything to me --"

" She if you want to try to make things work he says it was just. Very it's got caught up in the moment and I'm having a problem. Taken that in because. It's just that she was and and -- the program. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing."

" And I left for I think her feelings probably stories before that she is struggling -- And I am wondering if it's something about getting married because this printer sometimes that does for people an idea that commitment. Put them into a new place and it brings back other issues for them and keep your parents' relationship or something you know total commitment thing gets cut."

" Okay. Yes she says she. -- just start caught up in the moment and she is -- pieces of pars and she's never really been known as the person like that and I disloyal be able to -- Go to maybe forgive him but despite you know they're trying to trusted because that find myself. You know always. Once her miles on her car right you know it's usually been. To have cellphone so they're calling from word in -- as she almost thirty years old rises so owner Felix is grounded but it's really that I have it is to make sure that. Right you have prefer it."

" She's showing its its seemed to be issues generally showing remorse but she really understands he's feeling she's going out of her way to try to reassure you. That's important I think it's necessary in the beginning that you do have the question should check itself -- you check the mileage hit will argue that. If you like probation officer -- episode current what you need that reassurance that you're gonna go bad. Otherwise. You know that's that doesn't prove that it she's. You know. Not having a -- you just proves that yeah -- But it can make you feel it may come down a little bit but there's going to be a point in time and it usually read for five months. Incidents. Which you're gonna need to pull back from that stuff so it could actually start to contain just the opposite -- become addicted to connect careful. And in the only way you can detractors have evidence of that truck."

" Yeah. Yes you know I just so they get everything back to normal. This is real hard for me and okay forget this takes time. Revenues and don't know 100% year there's that this you know want to see grows even talk about what."

" She literally cheater he can't go by by one time -- you have to look at the bigger picture how you understand her character to be. Some people may change you kind of thing you know will be assistance to -- surprises me from getting it doesn't surprise me. If this really surprise you she's very remorseful and I think it's good indicator that second chance. But it can take -- six to seven or eight months. These forward you're that's spinning your head Columbus -- You might get 80% 90% of the trust back in the last 10%. Of fertilizers and Alaskan. -- could it takes awhile for the last ten but what you can be good enough."

" That's all we have time -- I'm really sorry that this happens. It would have a greater right about it. Doctor Paul Coleman thank you so much for being on the show tonight. My pleasure at any time. Doctor Paul Coleman he's an infidelity expert also the author of you him and the other woman go to his website -- and Coleman dot com that link is on my site. He has doctor -- relationship wisdom which comes out once every week or to sign up for it's totally free contains tips. For bettering your relationships that's what we're all about thanks for joining your time -- Kim Iverson."

" Have something on your mind. You're off your chest. Email -- your time with Jim dot com shorts with Kim."

" Not Reyes and in the had a -- Well yeah and and Reyes and -- and now. -- Where does that stack."

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" only believe in you. Yeah so he. -- I am nothing to apologize for having helped Netflix appeared anything in just. Uber sexy when you week. Welcome to your time with Kim Iverson should be your girlfriend. -- you know get your parents tested that's right I study did you parents tested it turns out. That people over the age of fifty RD fastest growing percentage HIV cases in Florida snow birds that are migrating from the north. To escape the cold weather there going none of Florida. In order they get what it all little people who -- and they elect Fort Lauderdale and Boca somewhere right. Well they're going down there and they're partying and having a good time and it turns out that less than a quarter of the men and none of the women use condoms over the age of fifty years old. Now with your parents and have a talk it's time to understand the birds and the bees eighty to have sex at all over again. They're the fastest growing population in Florida at HIV cases can you believe that our parents. Sixty Albert -- apparently think it is somebody need to have a talk with them so the next time you talk to your dear old mom and dad. Are flying down to Florida. Snow birds. The need to make sure that you have sex talk with them. Us that they're gonna come back in fact it right. Coming up if you work which your acts did you quit we'll chat nexus is your time Kim Iverson gave her cold. Elite 89 called him. The question I did some houses -- arms coordinates and tequila I think somebody needs another black and."

" Yeah."

" Don't -- yourself."

" Your time antivirus and thanks for joining me. That you're with your -- and it's complicating your current relationship. Should quit your job. We have amber on the phone and she is dealing with this exact situation so ever tell us what's going on tells the story."

" Okay I hate it I expert for. -- bite you later and you know I'll I -- you know story you know. That job up ahead her break -- that were -- chatter all that stuff. So now in our relationship and it worked my acts. If I try to talk about it or IIQBI. Can't fit we communicated about this better at it saying. He is completely shut up all readings -- why we actually had a communicating it here that it. He can't handle it."

" Your current is getting upset that your having any conversations with your -- and the issue is you work with your acts. How closely do you guys work together."

" We worked pretty. While I daily basis it's not -- weekly basis Eric I don't that it. It doesn't have to be weekly by its breaker you now. And then. We see chatter about airport and we and we will be taking this picture and it will be in this scene and a towel and saying that ain't that weekend."

" Out loud make me and comfortable. If I were you are dating you. -- know that."

" I trying to see if it has I had black eye and -- my sanctuary really feel like I'm in him at all as far as trying to -- I'm history that completely well and norm I -- And he must think that I have likely losing it I don't write me and I'm all for it and everything on there are times I don't wanna talk -- because I know it might mean for me. I'm."

" Is your -- you what do you think amber."

" I think yes. But I might point out doesn't seem to think -- it -- exactly excuses to talk to me -- Sometimes. I know I know is over me Qing emperor. I think just that game I think it's just that wanting you know all I -- so why else I'm Aaron and that he does -- thank you respond the next -- A cop out like. It means -- see it."

" So he is obviously. Coming in the middle of your relationship I mean whether he wants you back or not he is crossing the problem. And it's not just that your -- is overly jealous I mean your current is overly jealous detector X is kind of doing stuff."

" Yeah I did it kind of effective Courtney because. I pop acts kind of -- it -- here your knee in her job -- but he is more recognized for it you know he is. And very very. And I'm working -- that I've -- my. It's best to but I kind of look up and -- I have respect for this position right hey I. Like his influences -- is actually so I tried it."

" As you you that is still wanna keep him as a mentor almost yeah. Its number gas and everything -- my boyfriend. Luke to my said he cricket current -- How long ago. At that -- children that aren't in the world for our way. So he operated his life. To come and be with you how long did you and your current and together. And it and how long -- viewing your -- been broken up. Three year. Now was it a clean three years and he messed up and now -- Are very few."

" Two of those three years. Say you're essentially okay so even though you're officially off three years ago for that for two years after that you guys were still messing around. And then you -- And then you meet this new guy. And -- not do the math so you've been in this new relationship for eight months so there really wasn't that much of a break. So your your current had to have a lot of reason to feel the way he feels."

" Right and that's why -- got to figure out in China and how I can. It is better and -- I mean -- wiping out at a at her relationship. To -- reread it three months before we Eric it is locked it wouldn't let her. -- So you know. In -- two -- three months that you know it about I. And all my axe I was. Pocket in the Arctic I'd like an -- hazardous under the I don't say it's he hasn't had -- I saw last night yeah you know he -- you know."

" know everything. Do you love your current. A lot. TV he's the one. So this is the person -- has been dressing -- Okay we're gonna go ahead and open up the phone lines and give him advice on what to do. In a situation whether right maybe you should cool head or maybe -- some other. It's something every now you say you can't really easily quit."

" Now. It. I write out in June and if nothing else maybe next here. And and I can dale how difficult would it would be for you find another job. Free account -- they -- is actually a lot it would be good at it and."

" So this is a jog -- really passion about and it's very difficult to get the job. -- over the phone line 888925554. T have any advice or solution at all for amber give me -- this is your time -- percent."

" Connect with Jim right now I'll call 8889 called him to be a part of your time with Kim. --"

" All of them I've been doing it right. They told him. -- that painted. --"

" Okay."

" It's. Good base from. God that he -- nobody. It can't. And as well I know it. It may."

" Okay okay."

" but I vote could face from."

" Yeah. If Daniel. Hey listen -- this. On the."

" Don't just some depth and give it back to win."

" This has been --"

" We've gotten --"

" We cannot be. Thank you."

" Front line with amber she works with her ex. And it's causing a problem in her current relationship the big question is what should she do about that should she quit her job. -- any sort of other solutions for her hi Shelly here on the line with amber."

" I amber. I what's your by Shelly I would be much that the -- you -- and my advice for you Hamburg as if it's truly love the guy that you're west. I would get a new job because it won't laugh seriously. It won't last as long as that guy is lingering. Yeah I'm not and never had a clean break from me my acts like it's clean light board and a couple weeks like awaits its flight. In -- don't act and to. That you I don't have him in here and it sounds like. Yeah market."

" Always around -- BASF. Yeah. Yeah and headed by selling it I Tonya welcome to the show. I on the line with amber -- some advice for her."

" You fat and I think -- have he I think he could have here very honest conversations. Wonder if there act obviously. He's laid down some sort of emotional -- there. I mean they're letting him out that no -- and professional and be tolerated and even -- very sorry person this would you and then the FB. News pop banner -- with her current and let him know that. If he's you know -- helped create a police said. He can help or look for another job in her elder but back -- not this bark at what the problem is that you know otherwise. And try it out and you -- remain independent professional whereas only emails. Or only you know. You know something fresh off and then you know and it says a time period where they re evaluate it that the current boyfriend and south."

" Amber have you had. A conversation with your ex that was very candid and very straightforward and very serious."

" Yeah I actually and handling email about a month in Africa pain. Pretty much. That you -- like whether you want an -- and not -- I -- and Paris are. Applications and any one from countless people they -- it it'll of them are personal look at more personal than. And that's quite right and -- and where it's at that's been professional and it does payment protection act like Larry Larry I'm talking. And -- does -- get -- caught up act but I sent him an email me was in need to state secrets are actually don't -- games. And a -- purple -- It's -- as those emotional hearings then why do you get parents -- but there doesn't mean that the -- certainly that's an. He can't party now and a couple of emails after network strictly for -- And then. After that he -- little joke just like -- more personal. Open any government and into -- pac man and a phone call at an apartment but it quiet tyrant I -- and."

" You hold your ground that's what you need to do you need to be serious and hold your ground thank you so much for your call Tanya Moore I I Victoria. On the line with amber what's gone on what's your advice."

" Well I think that that by the Bob has she ever given him even got to trust and I think that's the main question. Now now they can connect at my point. Right but I think it right now if you let your -- with the economy elated you need to keep it that he's being insecure that -- have a conversation -- Perhaps he -- it's you wanna business trips -- that make them more comfortable it's in the hotel it's healed but sort of thing but. -- that you're -- obsessed pop up would be comfortable with it and you -- and you can't let me in business."

" Would he say I. Okay okay thank you Victoria get advice. So amber. Here's what I think. I think that. You do need two. Sets I like what -- Tonya said we you have to set some real serious boundaries. And you -- your -- and say listen this needs to be strictly professional and I will not. I won't cave in to anything else and you have to be and you have to be strong it's not your exes -- it's your fault. Okay you have to be the one that sets that boundary and holds to it your -- has no obligation to your current relationship. So. He can try to weasel his way back and to be all joking and and relax with you but it's your job to hold that boundary. I don't think you should quit your job. In less I don't think -- even consider quitting and -- married. If you're not married to this man -- and considerate thank. Trust me on that one cousy you know it's it's just not a good idea because what if you quit and then the relationship ends and in -- it's one thing if you're married it's another thing if you're just in our relationship. I'll bet that they want to get married may be that is something you should then discussed if it's really causing a problem in your in your relationship and you need to decide. What do you love more you love him Marty let your job more. And you do have to make that choice and I also like. You know I. I that are not there was -- Victoria said that you know the review Shelly actually the relationship. Will last forever the job. You know you probably not to do this job for every anyway. But the marriage if you were married could potentially last for our keys and -- In the meantime. So he could -- not Mary it's. In the meantime like is that you to have a candid discussion which your -- and you need to be to wanna charge of holding that boundary and IPT need to be 100%. Totally upfront and disclose. Everything to your current partner that he never ever is suspicious or find out things after the fact. Or has any reason I mean if you contact your -- And because of work. Thanks CC EM. I mean -- it -- make him feel totally -- one -- 100% comfortable with that arrangement. That. You don't you can't just do it wants and and they say hey here seat there you are needed."

" Nine he went on oh yes you act here I'm sick of hearing about and that they're. You know he's set I don't know about it anymore I don't -- houses in the corporate -- is doing exactly that and then he he is my it's not -- you know it shocked stand."

" The case -- you have a candid discussion with your current and say -- and I'm just gonna pitch in the loop on everything if you don't wanna see the announcement just don't read and delete them cash. Yet just disclose everything if you have to stay late and work with your -- if you go -- You know it would ever disclose everything and anything be totally upfront before anything happens not after the fact okay. The -- on before hand tea I have to stay late and work with so in south. You say it up -- rather than coming home later in the day like -- had to stay late and he finds out the X was there exit and saying. Well I hope that helps. Good luck so. -- situation thanks for calling. By amber --"

" your time antivirus and thanks for joining me tonight if you have a problem our dilemma and you need some advice email and -- your time -- dot com."

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" Your time as you might percent have never heard of -- kidnapping I'd never heard about this until today. -- you sent me an article. Just all the article really was. Brides are being kidnapped -- Pakistan is at the place are just can't Kyrgyzstan will they're being kidnapped currently all over the eastern your -- used to be Russia. I yes and I had never ever heard of this before but apparently it's. Fairly comment I guess in that area 80% of brides are kidnapped. Like plate kidnapping. I don't think so. I think it's like genuine bona -- kidnapped and like a couple dating and you know it's opening a ring on your now now now now the -- just decides on which bright he wants he goes and shops around the village. And picks one out he keeps it secret. I have a secret Santa Anna -- anyway. And then he gets his friends together and they arm themselves. And whether it's yes I like -- kidnapping. I have real name. They go and they hide an and they wait for the girl and the girl comes out where she's coming up from an and they grabber and they kidnapped urban runoff. Apparently this started because. It's interesting when -- historical. They call her duty. They say and he runs off with the booty picked at present that I thinking okay if that's maybe that's for the term duty came -- Friday. Show I guess this is done because it over Daryn that area of the world you're supposed to instead of a dowry where the what the bride's family pays. The grooms family. They haven't opposite where you have to pay a bride price shipped by a bright and this is their way of getting around buying the bride they kidnap and instead. Now -- it -- it can't afford the price this isn't something young girls and their dream of I don't think so but I don't know why they don't leave they don't leave they'd -- just consider -- practice like I guess we're going to be kidnapped Sunday better than he kidnapped by the bright sky. -- my gosh I make dating a lot easier doesn't that. -- is -- kidnapping."

" You need information for something you heard on your time with Jim go to Jim's website your time with Jim dot com. And."

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