Your Time with Kim 11-18-09 no music

" mayor -- since you broke up with her because she refused to have sex. Mike Kelly welcome to you what time with Kim Iverson -- your girlfriend is here to you know. Yesterday we were talking about Megan fox and the New York Times magazine article came out about her. And the question that they wanted to know was really her people are trying to figure out why women don't like Megan Fox. So we talked about that last and show and I did get so many emails and so many people commented on my -- the lock step with the topic there. And there are lots of people who said anything from. You know I love Megan Fox or no 800 I don't like -- because she's -- prettier people saying -- just jealous two peoples and she's just not very. Real she seems kind of like up the solder fake. Yeah I got this email from right and young sixteen year old girl and she says. 16 am not a fan -- Megan Fox I feel she has not proven herself she seems arrogant. But also she makes me feel badly about myself which is a personal issue but she flaunts herself cover yourself up -- modesty please. Hearing men and boys fawn over her including best friends teachers my own father can be distracting distracting and disheartening to say at least. The mail media glorifies her so much I -- in most ways comfortable with how. I look physically but when I have been compared directly to Megan Fox as not being as pretty as her or never can be as beautiful sexy or talented. As it makes it a bit hard I respect Megan for her very limited accomplishment -- respect her for body your flaunting her wanting to base your career by being eye candy for men. In getting its email and his young girl. What you know I don't know if anybody is necessarily saying to her directly and I don't know I don't know this girl I don't know who she's surround yourself with but I don't know if anyone is really coming on saying what you're not as pretty as Megan Fox are. You can never be as beautiful sexier talented. But I'm wondering if that's how she's interpreting yet. Because the men around her like she says her best friends her teachers her dad every man around her is gawking and fawning over Megan Fox right. So when that happens tonight. Now look at that look at. Her hair like her eyes and lips or whatever and you look at yourself and Amir an area on sixteen outgrown you don't seem to have the same features you think tier stuff I can never be as pretty as her. I can never. -- sexy. You know that's just. There's no question about it that's exactly she's thinking. And I know that because that's -- in my head at age 68 and me as self esteem issues. Every now and they come bubbling back up as other assaults on 27 years old. Yeah out when I got the scene I felt really. I wonder if."

" Well because the media always says that its beauty is a certain thing. And that's I would have -- to stick thin models right and they just keep getting -- your skinny you're scared to even that once scandal where the Ralph Lauren model. Where she looks like stooges -- being too fat ash as -- and then that when they modified her body in Geneva look like a human like an alien thing. That in our society is kind of changed on on what we view is beautiful and I think it does affect the young girls -- in some ads out there think I think -- has been putting out loved getting even putting out a lot of ads to help young girls filled with self esteem and realize that beauty comes in many different forms. And that I think there's this one advertisement. Where they have all these images of all these models are these beautiful models initial model after model after model after model after model and the nation this young like five year old girl sitting in front of TV. Basically seeing all of this and say you know what is society teaching her about being beautiful. And in getting this scheme now you know it."

" Kinda any change how it. How does it affect us win the men around us. In our lives our Brothers our best friends are dads are husbands or boyfriends. Co workers all the men are alive when they dock over other women when it got over women like Megan Fox or Scarlett Johansson or. Adriana -- our whoever they -- over how does that affect us as women. What kind of message is that sending to us how does that make you feel I wanna know. Your answers to this 889225554. Art does that do not and Tia. No big deal what do you think give me -- give or call 8889 called him I."

" Mike Kelly do you I needed you know it's."

" Welcome back to the -- it's your time antivirus and I receive this email from a young girl saying that the men gawking. Over Megan Fox all the men in her life of doctor over her have made her feel. Bad because she compares herself now. To make -- fox or any other women for that matter amend gawker over and it gives it low so the -- I'm curious when the men around you admire the women. How does that make you feel Kayla. I'm sorry notices Catherine -- How does it make you feel."

" And does not I mean I'm comfortable on the -- look in the way. Is that buying that they like. What they -- let them like that. Am I -- cents."

" Yeah are you in a relationship right now. Okay so -- when your partner does he dock over other women at all."

" He yeah he doesn't all the time but I -- different -- and Michael reed appreciate other clubs and you know both men and women. And it they -- I believe that -- should be should feel comfortable enough to -- that I have someone that woman as beautiful."

" I think that's different -- gawking. Around now. Now docking there like oh my gosh that chick is so hot she is at yeah I love look at her or saying -- you know she's a very beautiful woman."

" I mean there's. So -- it. A -- stated we -- beautiful. That's okay and that's a big talking hot and you know that's and that that's not a big deal because it climatic enemy there. Well now everybody has got that little batted in ahead. Yeah like expressly you know most of us that Hollywood is not that got that bad at the end ahead. That somebody is so hot and -- boo and they got to go to the opportunities. And get their music. As to what it is not different I believe it's a woman doesn't -- manner man you know like. At night and fox it's not her fault that she was -- that great genes."

" She actually bought it with classics that's beside the point. It does yeah and gathered for your call. And -- I -- welcomed the -- So how does it affect you."

" I can't tell you I'm. From experience has -- on your -- my friend she had to interpret art that. Not happy for X. Pet when I ever -- an appetite for our look at her paying attention her soul an external or it might seem a little bit. But then. After a lot in terror at and the guy that I I France acted exactly -- they've outcome mean they're like no lack. She has -- electric personality. She's got contrary is hurt out. And actually -- They'll likely -- like -- have a personality. You are more attracted and --"

" Yeah that's what I would say whenever guy is like gawking at another woman or just say. I have a great personality."

" Actually started clicking on me that that I am and now aren't I can honestly say that. I love myself I'm proud of my body and everything and I think they at least you know I'm 100% natural at being nomadic from."

" A regular thank you. He Mary hi how does that affect you would men gawk over the women."

" The effect mean but in a relationship for two years and have lots of Skype talk time and time again over. Carmen -- so be sure that Megan Fox is affecting beyond that this."

" All that Carmen does that affect -- and others make you feel liking it is small tiny waist and big huge groups."

" Not that I completely confident with who I am and I have had a huge self esteem in my world I am Megan fox and you don't like looking at -- and don't."

" As a get rid of it thank you Mary. And I. Imminent everything both sides and and we do we do need to learn how to become very comfortable on our own scan and have that confidence and a self esteem and also. Just like let Dan Taylor was saying is. You gotta realize that. Looks only goes so -- stents. I don't mean to basher. But Tyra Banks to me is a really good example. Where. Now they're locked into that lover and I get that but. When I watch her show and I listened to her she becomes very unattractive to me -- and she's an incredibly. Beautiful woman on the outside incredibly gorgeous yet. I think she becomes very unattractive to many men when -- Come around turn I think it's you know as women we can think of all those guys you know that the guys that lit their shirts up to date pictures themselves on FaceBook and yet it got a hot body -- good looking guys -- attractive to us because. They're personalities don't match so I do think that we need to focus more. On the entire beauty that a person has thank you so much for joining me."

" I mean I've just anybody else's husband -- path. I've got to complete the yeah yeah. In an elementary and getting on the good side of his -- like closing the team. What day or month the next cities -- I think somebody needs another black and."

" Welcome to you which time the Phillips and -- your girlfriend and she's here you know. -- the military what do you think your primary obligation is do you think it's to be a good parent -- think it is TV. A good soldier 11 men Alexis Hutchinson. Was asked to deploy to Iraq she's in the military she's a cook in the army she was asked to -- or Iraq the problem as she has a little boy. And no one in her family can take care -- her son. So the army said to her. Well then you're going to have to take a Foster care. Put in Foster care and go to Iraq like exposed to your being deployed. So Alexis."

" Goes missing. Because she's not gonna put us on Foster care she can't find anybody in our -- to take care -- who's -- mother take care about her mother felt ill and is now in care. So she obviously her mother can't take care -- Alexis lab no one else take care my son. So she disappears and she goes missing for ten days and now what she is potentially facing is. I'm sorry no now she is being held at the hunter army air field in Savannah and she's basically she's in jail she's an army -- For missing deployment. And her son is in the custody of local child welfare officials. -- I'm curious what you think of this do you think that it is more important for you serve your country is your primary obligation when you join a military -- you do that willingly no one's asking you to join military you do it willingly. When you sign these papers and you decide to be in the military and you know that you potentially will face deployment. And that -- cons. And you have a child now. What is your primary obligation is it to your child or is it to your country give me cough. -- or call 8889 called him."

" He -- sexy when you were talking. We are so I'm not having this conversation."

" They're -- Alexis Hutchinson is an army cook and she's a single parent. As you might be facing criminal charges because she refused deployment orders. That would taker overseas. She's currently being held at hunter army air field in Savannah as a case is being investigated. She has an infant son. And her plan was to have her mother care for infants on. Well after Alexis received her orders her mother felt ill. And it fell into the care of others. And so an -- her son would be left alone she went to her superiors about this and they said well he gonna have to put -- in Foster care. But you do need to be on time for your scheduled deployment. What do you think about this is your primary responsibility when you join the military is your primary responsibility to your family. Or to your country Russell what do you think."

" I Russell what do you think."

" At -- think the government -- relation to elect -- I think he spoke these other military kids especially in him but. And seeking -- also achieved in a word or to give the display at what you know there I think they should -- it. And and equipping of of my grilled -- to learn everything."

" I mean what is -- situation you're already stressed out thinking that -- to go to war. You know you don't know if your if your base is gonna be attacked me don't know anything right you're stressed out thinking that you might not ever come back. And then the thought -- your child being in Foster care during this entire time with people that he doesn't now strangers I mean. That is enough to just make you go completely -- I would think what are your thoughts on his Kathy."

" the past and we care plan actually outlined. The plans they'll but I do. --"

" She could at. Chapter out she could have gotten to jagged -- hurt by -- attorney but she chose to go any wall. -- is that --"

" Tears in their other things in place for her. And she have gone --"

" There are you know she's -- a single parent there's a lot of single parent in the military and my understanding of this story that her mom was at daycare provider. I had heard that her mom was ill."

" But there are other options she can bat it chapter out art ship. She should. Above and beyond doubt she did not have -- it -- because she committed a crime in the military when you Google it while she committed crimes."

" Okay all right. Thank you and it."

" Steve's what you think. I'm really all is grandma had a pretty what is young lady of me he has that it and there's nowhere else to take here or he."

" I -- our country is already screwed up as it."

" today's. Thank you. It's definitely really difficult to understand the situation I mean it's tough because she does have this infant child I do understand county's position. I'm Alexis did know that she needed to had a family care plan in place that's with the military's been saying and responses to say hey look. Every parent in the military understands that they need to have a family care plan tonight I have many members of my family in the military. And my one cousin she has two children and she's a single parent and she knew that she had -- family care plan. My cousin has been deployed several times and each time those kids have gone to either her aunt or her mom. I mean her mother practically raise those kids because my cousin was constantly being deployed. She's been in the military now she's practically the cool thing about the military's you to retire after like twenty years or something she's almost done. It's -- you do not you have to have a Stanley care plan however in Alexis a situation. No of the family care plan fell through because another became ill from what I understand now the mother is no longer ill and a mother has been able to pick up the sun. That that their little infant boy had to go to Foster care and tell the mother was well enough to pick them up and I think at this point she's I think she does have done. Now but Alexis is still in jail because she did go a while. What a tough situation act has an -- because I come from a big military family had another cousin who did go Elan it was ugly. -- now we think Casey."

" I EU now. If I -- have a child. And for an extended period time say eat you know my my husband is in a hospital or something and I couldn't come in working -- equally -- threat yes. After a certain amount of time in my contact in China legally after the like family medical meat -- lead actor whatever. After a certain at times if it was like six straight months. I could lose my job and I'm very well aware. That that's a consequence. She knew that this was a consequence of being a single mom of going in -- and and I do I am with Kathy. I I really think that there are other I I refuse to believe that our country is that cruel to the men and women who are willing to fight and die for us. So I really do believe there where there had moved -- other she could've taken Lisa is certainly hope we wouldn't be Akron I don't think so. I don't think so I I think -- come country has a lot of problems. Our country is not perfect but I absolutely refuse to believe that they don't have other options now like that you know I join the military wants. Her week ever tell you about that now as every year which you do as an MP. That not surprise me I know I learned how to fire at. --"

" I join the military because I wanted to pay for school I know house is gonna pay for and they're like La. And you know when they make you do this test when your high school and I scored really really well on that military tests and they said you you can do whatever you want. And I wanted to going to intelligence -- they said it would take too long to get all the education and they said well we can make your doctor -- conflict. I can't stand -- a blood that is not gonna happen. It's like joint military and I became an MP because -- landed at learn how to shoot. You know a weapon that I can eventually. Keep -- period time right for Aaron Raikkonen had one other than my pillow. And my mom and my mom had to go to prison and -- All these things you're learning about me and my mom got to go to prison and I had I had to get out so -- never went to boot camp is you can join. About a year prior to being deployed -- a bit camp. To be sent and that I so I was like ripe for boot camp my mom went crazy and I'm her only child until I got out because of a family situation. I would think that Alexis probably also condensing things. Shall that I the only reason I've ever thought about joining the military because I don't have that kind of soul I I don't I'm not that is to get in shape."

" Otherwise and now I I -- the result like I don't -- be in the best shape I would look great. And I was joined the reserves sound in I was like yeah is gonna be off some. I -- with a friend she left and she came back and kick but I'll bet she came -- great there was a great -- she loved being -- that sound. You props to her coming up next utility to fix your man's behavior. Well how to change your mindset -- not your man an expert is next is your time Kim Iverson."

" Lots of times of relationships we always look at her partner we think to hang. I think and you start fixing them I gotta fix my man's behavior. Well with us tonight is Sally Watkins she's a Psycho therapist and the author of change your mindset. Not your man welcome to the shows Sally. Here so let's talk about his mindset that we have that we're -- desperately needing to change."

" Right I think that there's not a woman probably on the planet who hasn't. Gotten to that point in a relationship where she says a gas what did I get myself into you'd have the whole list of things that are driving and that's about the guy. Yeah. I think a lot of that comes from growing up -- playing wedding and barbies and watching sleeping beauty it. Reading romance novels we've we've really bought into this idea that falling in love is going to be every thing for a minute. Have that happily ever after just like the movies promise. And that's that the evolution that a lot of women bring her relationship and it's very hard one is convince them let's go out."

" You're right in that we have this tendency to believe that once we get once we find the love of our life it's almost like that's the end. You know and then from there it's just you do you go to this magical place where everything is kind of like in that commercial. I can't believe it's not matter commercial when she -- Britain and they open the door to this wonderful world that's almost how we believe is kind of what happens when she finally realize ban. That's it."

" Right in you know we reviewed his behavior. From the woman's perspective and we don't really think. That much about how he was socialized growing up and how he's hard -- Because men traditionally. Aren't socialized for relationships they're pulled his about their feelings toughen up. They're not as cranes to be sensitive to everyone needs and feelings that women are. And so women sometimes. Look at this guy who's -- that sometimes. Or maybe he's offering very concrete practical expressions of love that she -- that -- to. She thinks it should be cherishing behaviors and and loving words it's so -- and he he really. This isn't the way he brought that was brought up."

" That's a really good point that. We as women start to look at our man and we almost want to in a way convert them to women."

" Yes we went -- to be our best girlfriend and away and really the bit until then. And figure out what we need even before we know ourselves and so forth. And so when he doesn't see these things. Then that we can start and personalize what does that make up hurtful stories about his behavior. In and start to. Believe that maybe he doesn't care about history not that into us. So I think. Even sometimes people who have. Difficult childhood there are some of the ones that rain. All of their needs her relationship I think this man is going to make up for for a lot of what they it. Growing up."

" Sharia -- that correctly yeah that's why go to therapists now. Honestly I ended we do we just -- it all back to my child and I expect demands of fixed and says to do everything that you know my mother never did right. And it -- in my therapist said to me yesterday she said you know in a relationship. Women have a tendency to expect demand -- fill all of her needs and he's not going to -- unfortunately he never will. Talk attitude -- he just never well."

" He isn't and I think. In some ways that's not even a perfect -- relation right --"

" Yeah I always say. What would be the purpose then have having girlfriends if your man fulfilled every desire and need that you have."

" Yes and and you know in other cultures and they've come by. Women worked around that by other women in had a lot of more important and they -- do now so that. Sometimes why women look to their -- and -- you see this emotional. Sounding board."

" Okay so now when we have this man and we're looking at all his actions and they're starting to bother -- saying that this is based on the fairy tale that we've built in our minds is is based on. Did it needed to have him fulfill all of our every desire."

" Right right and also reading into his concrete behavior you know he. He's socialize they have -- they have these boxes and go to work can make money and and do these practical things and so we have to start to realize that we've got a different animal here."

" Okay we -- talking to Sally Watkins she isn't a Psycho therapist also the author of change your mind set not your man. We come back she's gonna tell us exactly how can we snap out of that. Mentality that we had that very tell mentality so we can finally have healthy happy. Loving relationships that go. Happily ever after will be back this is your time with him Iverson."

" We're chatting with Sally Watkins the psychotherapists also the author of change your mindset not your man. We're just talking during the songs and I really you think it is a book every woman should read. Is this we'll spare so many relationships we are so caught up in Tennessee we just do believe that oh my gosh there's something wrong with this guy when he's thrown out the window right away. And it's not really the case men and women are different and we don't need to necessarily understand -- all the time. So Sally what do you think how do we change our mindset that we can't have healthy relationships with each other."

" Hello first I think. We need to have a full life her relationship can't be every thing. And I think sometimes women try to make it not everything that central core of their life. And women need to star in their own happy life they need to find give them excitement and passion. And what makes them happy sometimes. Manner even more attractive so woman who is happy and fulfilled that productive and so we're and and they might even get it charts that is all that energy that she treaty politics to energy. And then when she blew her that he might find he has to work in the garage or ticket fishing trip or something right he doesn't want to be around that so. I think. Would women. Find their own purpose and their own passionate it's really. Makes the relationship more exciting."

" I think it's important to get a group of girls for hence. When you're in a relationship with somebody because. Mikey just said your partner cannot be everything for a year. And men don't think analysts and like women and so we can't say to our man I don't want to fix I just wish you listen and well. You know men are inclined to fix things maybe just -- called the girlfriend's are listening."

" Yes I agree yeah yeah so I think -- You know that secret of course really popular. And that's. Really very much like cognitive behavioral therapy the whole point of that is what you think about what you focus on what you look at about what you visualize. Is that expand and create more it's the same thing. So if you're trying to fix -- in -- in criticizing and then. You're gonna create more negativity. That -- would -- clam up. Get angry give up. But when you focus on during the positive. And value of the good thing. City doesn't show appreciation and gratitude to the more at that. You get affiliate it's not that secret you know these these ideas that's been around for entry."

" So it's just about changing your mindset so give us an example of how someone can change their mindset you know let's say that demand is. I was the most common probably come across in -- in a couple."

" Well I think a lot of women. Especially. In after that honeymoon has worn off they don't feel they keep -- in to this or went to talk to them but but she nodded cherishing. Not. Remembering the little things. We've heard people not to. As affectionate she would want to and she wants to be very special and he's not making it feels very special that's what the comments."

" Okay so then how do we change our mindset in that situation."

" Well in that situation she needs to get busy indeed something to make yourself happy he needs to. Find something fun to do call up of girlfriends go out -- play needs to. Get this the shopping I'm alive or that they mean there's all kinds of things she can do read a book find it find a good movie. Islam all kinds of things she can do it makes you feel happier and can play injured and not. Act out it dramatized. It criticized and so forth which it could really backfire."

" Okay so instead of -- expecting that fulfillment to come from him. And you know from changing your mind and realizing okay well he talked to me a lot because we had a lot of catching up to do we spent the first 25 years of our life together. And then realizing okay now we've got to cut up and now it's time to just find some happiness and other places and that fulfillment and other places. And expect our man to. My guests don't expect. Anything really."

" Right it went when she comes back and he's. Had a good time. He's going to be the relationship and it feels she appeared -- it couldn't be more lightly. And I think the excitement is gonna come back here in -- in -- get more what you want I thank god gave me."

" Okay change your mindset not your man this is a great book that teaches you how to look at your past relationships and see how it's affected your current thinking. Realizing that fantasies have affected your. You're thinking and really tried to reposition your thoughts. In a positive way change your mindset not your man is the name of the book go to the website Sally Watkins. Dot net thank you so much for joining us this is your time with -- Iverson."

" On the eighth street. Yeah. Of the -- and I'm."

" Your perfect or perfect your hair is definitely there probably there are -- Yeah welcome to your time with this choose your girlfriend did you see your email. Do you think you could survive and affair if you found out your spouse had cheated on you would you be able to work it out. With us tonight is doctor Paul Coleman he's a psychologist and the author -- him and the other woman welcome to the show doctor Coleman well thank -- This is a tough subject here it is infidelity this is so. Difficult to do what it is probably everyone's worst nightmare when it comes to being in a relationship you fear the worst you fear that they will cheat."

" Yeah and it's it's that they can clear this statistically it is like 40% chance. Over the lifetime marriage that might happen."

" And then with the Internet and chat room."

" And things like that teams that other type of atmosphere and it wasn't popular fifteen years ago -- yeah have to."

" Cyber affairs emotional -- for our great country. I had that question Korea some thumbing through your books you him any other woman there's a section here is viewing pornography informant unfaithful honestly think."

" You know. It's a tricky area I think it depends. A lot on the people involved in your relationship. I think a lot of people are just interest -- in Mexico or anything of that whether it's Sex and the City -- TV show. Or viewing. Pictures of naked people if they do it term. They think anything. More than a few hours we -- considered a problem. That they feel like a lot of times some people but. When people are online at night in this spoke to sleep and surfing the web go to those places they can usually expect. A couple of hours."

" I would say if you were spouse thinks that it's cheating then his. Don't if they say yeah that -- is -- well I agree."

" I think he really should take that seriously that's very possible it's from from spouses -- just over sensitive. And every insecure in -- way and that -- repeat that and defecation maybe they need to take a closer look and see why am I insecure. I think from couples can just Reno roll their eyes and say no big deal but. But I think interest -- and comfortable with it's not a good idea to keep pursuing it and say well it's normal. What you're that a lot. From some guy is certainly and -- and spouses that it's normal. Guys look at -- Case closed and it really -- and that's simple and can be a bigger problem he can certainly lead to problems especially if there's. In areas in the marriage as a relationship working as well. Pornography can lead to -- pornography Chatman said my people on the other hand and that's you know really a problem."

" Okay so tonight for lifeline we do have doctor Paul Coleman with us he's an infidelity expert and like I said the author view him any other woman so if you have just been recently. Dealing with the situation or maybe even not recently and maybe it's still haunting you -- plaguing you wear your spouse has cheated. How can you get over this can you get over this that's what we're dealing with tonight. How can you process the news which did you do it right after you've found out. How can you even continue going on in a relationship when that trust has been broke and if you're in that situation right now go ahead and give us a -- numbers 888. 9225554. Talk to doctor -- yourself and get the answers your desperately looking for can you. Break the love trying triangle and reclaim your marriage. We'll be back this is your time to Iverson give or call 8889 call -- you deserve that I mean seriously. Trenton seventy. It's a market for mantle --"

" welcome back to life flying here -- your time Kim Iverson we are talking to doctor Paul Clemente he has an infidelity expert -- view him. And the other woman and we're taking your calls Josh what's your question for doctor Coleman."

" it at night. How are wondering in our research. Even thank that -- all such as much as."

" Found statistically."

" Men seem to -- about one and a half times more won't have to do as many men and women while. So you might have 30% and fifteen to 20% women something like that."

" Wow okay. Josh have you ever been cheated on yeah sports site."

" people order for people now sports -- at the same person like stopped being with that person. Yeah billiard. Good."

" Yeah -- for kind of locker pretty well that we chart or how it."

" It just didn't happen she did say that I won't do any. I would appreciate what you and then it supplements -- happened."

" Yeah. Thanks they're called Josh good thing -- Carol I'm at a buy out. Dot com and at what point when a person is a habitual cheater I mean how is -- after one time you cut it -- opportune times easy to get -- yet."

" Well yeah one time dot com is it would not be used habitual good people do make mistakes people do. Things that they really really regret I think yearly -- a kinda have to fear the person is and that's not always easy to tell. But split the the most sincere person is gonna work hard at bringing back -- trust. And there are going to be very sensitive to the pain which you could not sensitive to that and they point to get over quickly. I'm where they do or they diminish their role in their own affairs -- that people -- situations and it'll hold up to it. That you have to be highly suspicious. If you give them another chance you'd you'd be taking chance."

" And yes the four times as excess would have much okay but let's take another call. Primary. High you're on my doctor Coleman primary."

" Hi how you. I'm okay kind of a long story short I was engaged to hear about. And varying -- about mid point of engagement I had discovered that and I'd been cheated on. During during the engagement period. And I took some time inside about it and I just decided it's. Was something that I just couldn't live where ethnic it and forget it forget it and I broke -- We're done. And it's spent several years now and and then another serious relationship and we are talking about. Up a marriage and stuff like that and -- for some reason I agents still have this and that it here as being cheated on then yeah. Because it makes me turn -- and."

" Imagine the problems for a lot of people they've been cheated on of the past are carrying it to their new relationship what advice to you have talked common."

" Right well if if if he's really an honest person and Mac and a cheat -- you'll be understanding of that -- Try to be reassuring he will be impatient if you if you are still. Question or you're asking him you know where were you and things like that or if you're acting like you're insecure with him he's not gonna like that if he is. Somebody to be trusted. So it's okay to report your feelings and if -- like just bear with me but if you try to make him act differently. Just to prove to that yeah I would caution you about -- yeah."

" I have I mean how. I you know I've done that is trying to get done but things that then the paranoid you know person that. And like we'll bring you need to change that sent him spew that it has you know frustrated him that he at the same time he has been very optimistic that. I'm not I'm not that. I am a different person you know I'm not connect it to you but it still it's."

" How that Eric has. Okay that I'd have a hard time getting over it felt right."

" Trust of the big leap of faith you know and and that's what you're gonna ultimately have to do -- think and I live with not knowing -- war. And that's what everybody have to be willing to do."

" Yes we have a hard time with that."

" You can still tell them having a hard time but let him -- Google like intimately and make those choices to -- he's doing and go where he's going. And he will be here for it yet but if you push him. Or make you feel like he's guilty of that group here. And it's going to be the problem."

" for me I am I don't have a cheating issue from my past but I haven't abandonment issue because my -- on the little kids. And so I have the same sort of thing -- in my relationships I bring this whole. I need to know I need to have control because I can't bear the thought of even for a second being abandoned. And just like what doctor -- says you have to get comfortable with this feeling of not knowing and it's difficult and for me what's helped me as I've had to go to it."

" Our best yeah you know I mean and they beat up something you ought to consider Adam."

" Hit this really -- it for any caller it's it's like your own posttraumatic stress disorders -- your -- 9/11 impersonal violence. And and he will have thoughts and -- afterwards but you know you shouldn't be having. And a very good therapist can help put that pretty quickly."

" Good luck Mary. Yeah he be happy happy life I -- I -- I don't let out one bastard ruined the rest airlines aren't able to get out there. I agree that I I."

" All right we are on the line with doctor Paul Coleman he's the author view him and the other woman. Go to his website best intimacy dot -- can grab the book also learn more about. Doctor Paul Clement and this is lifeline so if you're going through an issue. Dealing with infidelity you found out your partner has cheated maybe you've confronted them maybe you haven't. Maybe you're still having trust issues. Maybe you're thinking you should leave -- you shouldn't give us call 888925554. This is your times that you -- percent."

" This lifeline tonight -- on your time with Kim Iverson and we are talking to doctor Paul Coleman the author of view him and the other woman. He's an infidelity expert so if you are dealing with some cheating in your relationship. Good time to call 8889225554. Hi -- here on the my doctor comment tell us what's going on."

" Own wow I had been boyfriend for about two years you know our our relationship figures but. He had a computer and on the forward and handle other tendencies. I guess what are at it. -- delete text messages from girls here girls popping up and saw all the time. Is so that there from where they're they're just friends but. I mean he like you delete messages from them I don't ever know what basic camp had a problem with that."

" I understand -- privacy and and that that that's one thing to be respected. But -- it would be not a big deal for him to show you those things just to reassure you and not coming up. But the fact that he's warning to makes me makes me suspect doesn't mean he's guilty that I would the firing your shoes I'd be saying you know it's just reassure me that."

" A lot. We what I can tell him that I have issues with the way that he acts sometimes that does those things he does what -- its stuff. He gets angry at me. And we'll you know he told me that -- you -- great not great aren't they concerned about its future and that you know he can be trusted and I -- have a lot of paranoia I would miss and he puts up with the most the time that sometime. When it comes -- a situation like that where how deleted the text messages or you know there's a new girl. Coming around you know he's just -- it's really defensive."

" So I've been telling him market make everything an open book. Without putting himself for the prisoners having to check in with -- cases school child. Just like he's created chicken. And we and using your words I would say view maybe you need to do something that maybe you're pushing him away. But a -- refusing to try to cooperate. That makes these suspicions."

" Now. Yep good luck holly thank you all right but I. That's a common and at that situation if you -- find out let's say for sure that your partner has cheated on you can't. Do you recommend confronting them right away do you recommend. Holding Bakken gathering Intel's."

" You know. I think it depends on the nature of your relationship where you're -- and it. -- if you're marrying music kids. Mortgage and things like that. The stakes are very high. And people who are having affairs will -- sir do you get work very well and they will hide things if you kind of show your your hand too quickly they may delete everything he could get so I would probably be a little bit more of private yeah I know it's not fun to do that. And and it's -- wants to be like that. But just be extra sure yeah because they were alive it will -- they were afraid this is just an extenuating circumstances you're completely wrong they always make. The the person who's accusing them feel like -- the worst person few in the world for not trusting them and they -- lied to your face when they are guilty."

" Right okay. So since you are eight you know in a situation you know that their your your pretty confident that they cheated you're probably best off gathering."

" Gathering more data so that that you can't be talked out of it and being made to feel like you don't know what you talk that it's clear cut case."

" I inherited and that's -- that's a clear cut case a clear cut case for exactly."

" Okay all right let's go ahead and take another call."

" I Andrea. You're on the -- a doctor Coleman what's going on."

" I'm actually. She did I get it on my -- Okay and I'm trying to figure out what else I can do to help him get over it."

" Okay what were your -- literally track. What is the stumbling block right now I don't know how long this has been going on working on it."

" We had -- other order seventeen -- And I cheated on him. She got need to get back. We've been separated for two years and her -- you're happy now they're back together try to work it out."

" Just as having -- really hard time. Over the -- but I propaganda. And there is even jealous overt like relationship I have with my kids and I think it. He wants a lot more attention from -- you mean. Yeah seat you know like I felt about the tech etiquette and that the kids aren't marquardt itself but. I I tried to accommodate what he feels he needs. But I don't wanna be completely -- happy right now I -- trait now from immigrant community and."

" Is a lot more complications to this thing you can probably discuss some important we have time for it doesn't feel like it's straightforward try this try that. I think part of him maybe also angry -- upset the fact that. -- and -- so he's resorted to that he might be thinking can self look what you made -- do I'm not a cheater and you know actually. -- it actually -- okay so he's pretty angry at himself and view. Screening is mind making him become a person he doesn't think yes. So he's also -- he wants payback for that as well. So that's what it's getting more complicated. -- sounds like he's being a little bit too possessive. Out of fear and a little bit out of punishment on his dad is sensing. And that possess fitness and punishment is going not work to his advantage because he's not trusting. Right he's basically -- you doing his thing he's thinking you're doing wrong things but spending time indicated the bank -- whatever. When he really should be thing I'm just feeling a little insecure how can we -- spent more time together is situated I'm not asking you'd have to. Diminish your relationship. Kits for example is not doing he's he can get -- control. Right now and that's the problem. He's got to pull back from that control. I don't know these communities. That we expect."

" Her luck on that one Andrea. Maybe go to therapy. Every tried that in itself but we're not at all. Preparing to get a different want -- if Alan Murray and take it out it yeah OK good like Andrea OK guy."

" We're talking to doctor Paul Coleman for tonight's life line we're talking about infidelity how you can survive and affair go to his website best intimacy dot com. -- twelve books including you him and the other woman we're gonna take one more call we come back this is your time can Iverson. Your time Kim Iverson for tonight's lifeline we have infidelity expert and author of -- him and the other woman. Doctor Paul Coleman KP has gone."

" he's good. What's not okay well it started off Myanmar last have been together for eight years. We have have been married for eight years were -- discovered intimate so we have two boys. Elitist here's -- to -- very well have to get back from Jamaica VMware's. Approximately five days in this. Start drilling for -- my best friend. And Rivera live on. Social actions as -- on the phone all the time man at -- few months of this. That's in the making now. And she confessed everything to me --"

" She would she want to try to make things work he says it was just. Very two got caught up in the moment and I'm having a problem. Take Canadiens because. It's just that she was -- entitlement program. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing."

" And I left for I think her feelings probably started before that she is struggling -- And I am wondering if it's something about getting married because this printer sometimes that does for people an idea that commitment. Put them into -- place -- it brings back other issues for them and keep your parents relationship or something you know federal commitment thing gets --"

" Okay. Yes she says she. She just got caught up in the moment and she is -- pieces of pars and she's never really been known as the person like that and I just sort of be able to select. Go to maybe forgive him but despite you know they're trying to trusted because that find myself. You know always. Once her miles on her car right you know it's usually been. Should have cell -- so they're calling from word in effect as she almost thirty years old rises so -- is grounded but it's really that I have it is to make sure that. Right you know but prefer it."

" She's showing -- it seems to be that she's generally showing remorse but she really understand he's feeling she's going out of her way to try to reassure you that's important. I think it's necessary in the beginning that you do have the question should check itself on you check the mileage hit will -- that. If you like probation officer -- current what you need every assurance can you gonna go bad otherwise. You know that -- doesn't prove that it she's. You know. Not having an affair -- just proves that yeah -- But it can make you feel to -- a little bit but there's going to be a point in time and it usually read for five months. Into the picture gonna need to pull back combat stuff so it could actually start to could be just the opposite -- become addicted to connect careful. -- and the only way you can detractors have evidence of that truck."

" Yeah. Yes you know I just so they get everything back to normal and it's Israel are career. Okay forget this takes time. Revenues and don't know under professor. There's that this you know what -- noted that was."

" cheater he can't go by by one time you're you have to look at the bigger picture how you understand her character to be. Some people may change you kind of thing you know this this -- it surprises me a good thing is that correct. If this really surprise you she's very remorseful I think it's good idea to giver and that's -- second chance but it can take you six to seven or eight months. These forward you're that's spinning your headlines to -- You might get 80% 90% in contrast back in the last 10%. Of sort of like there's an Alaskan. Yeah perfect it take awhile for the last step right but what you can be good enough."

" That's all we have time repeat I'm really sorry that this happens. It would have a greater right about it. Doctor Paul Coleman thank you so much for being on the show tonight. My pleasure at any time. Doctor Paul Coleman he's an infidelity expert also the author of you him and the other woman go to his website Paul -- Coleman dot com that link is on my site. He has doctor Coleman's relationship wisdom which comes out once every week or to sign up for it's totally free contains tips. For bettering your relationships that's what we're all about thanks for joining your time with -- Iverson."

" Only believe in you yeah so -- That's good teams I am not going to apologize for having helped excellent appeared anything to send. You what sexy when you talk. Welcome to your time with Kim Iverson should be your girlfriend. -- your email get your parents tested that's right I said -- did your parents tested it turns out. That people over the age of fifty are the fastest growing percentage of HIV cases in Florida snow birds that are migrating from the north. To escape the cold weather there going none of Florida. In order they go all the -- people -- in Florida and they like Fort Lauderdale and Boca somewhere right. Well they're going down there and they're partying and having a good time and it turns out that less than a quarter of the man and none of the women use condoms over the age of fifty years old. Now with your parents and have a talk it's time to understand the birds and the bees they need to have sex at all over again. They're the fastest growing population in Florida at HIV cases can you believe that our parents. Sixty Albert -- apparently think it is. Somebody -- have a talk with them so the next time you talk to your dear old mom and dad. Are flying down to Florida. Snow birds. The need to make sure that you have sex talk with them to us that they're gonna come back in fact it right."

" Coming up if you work which your acts huge equipped we'll chat nexus is your time Kim Iverson. Give her cold. 8889 called him. The question I did some houses -- arms we're getting isn't tequila I think -- another black and."

" Your time antivirus and thanks for joining me. -- if you're with your -- and it's complicating your current relationship. Should quit your job. We have amber on the phone and she is dealing with this exact situation so ever tell us what's gone on tells the story."

" I mean that guy expert for ear it's an. And I I -- the other guy -- actually eating out. -- bite you later and you know I'll I -- you know story you know -- That job up ahead her break up they're reading -- So now on our relationship and it worked my acts. If I try to talk about it or IIQBI. Can't fit -- communicated about this better at it saying. He is completely shut up all readings -- why we actually had a communicating it here that it. He can't handle it."

" Your current is getting upset that your having any conversations with your -- and the issue is you work with your acts. How closely do you guys work together."

" We worked pretty. While I daily basis it's not -- a weekly basis -- current that it. It doesn't have to be weekly but it's -- now. And then. We see chatter about airport and we can't we will be taking this -- the other will be in this scene and hotel. And things that -- that we."

" Yeah. Out -- make me and comfortable. If Barry you are dating you. I -- I know that."

" I trying to see if I had black eye pattern like it's I think -- really -- coming -- are trying to -- factional. I'm history that completely well at norm I -- he must think that I have likely -- Bring it I don't write me and I'm all for it and everything -- there are times I don't wanna Cox because I know -- that might mean for me. I'm."

" Is your accept you what do you think amber."

" I think yeah -- But I might point out doesn't mean it being so it thinks it's simply excuses to talk to me -- Sometimes. I know I know is over me -- younger. I think just that game I think it's just that wanna you know I -- why -- I'm Aaron and that he does it -- you were spotted an excellent way to. A cop out like. It means it'll see it."

" So he is obviously coming in the middle of your relationship I mean whether he wants you back or not he is crossing a problem. And it's not just that your ex is overly jealous I mean your current is overly jealous -- X is kind of doing stuff."

" Yeah and it's kind of a packet Courtney because. I can pop acts -- can hear your -- in our job boards but he is more recognized for it you know you use. And very very. And I'm working -- that I can't I. That's too but I kind of look up and -- expected well -- I have respect for aliases emissions right and I say. Like his influences are is actually so I tried it."

" is you that is still wanna keep him as a mentor almost yeah. It's -- gas and everything and my boyfriend. Luke I think me cricket current got. How long ago. That our children that don't for our way. So he operated his life. To come and be with you how long did you -- current -- together. Guy. And how long -- viewing your -- been broken up. -- Now president clean three years and he messed up and now three years. That very few."

" Two of those three years. Say you're essentially okay so you -- you're officially off three years ago for that for two years after that you guys were still messing around. And then you -- And then you meet this new guy. And out not do the math so you've been in this new relationship for eight months so there really wasn't that much of a break. So your your current had a have a lot of reason to feel the way he feels."

" Right and I and that kind of trying I got to figure out in trying to understand how I can. It is better and it's banging my point bringing out at a at her relationship. Two -- rewritten it. Three months before we -- it is locked in Britain terror that you -- artists like say surely at Frankfurt by the year. So you know. In Alice -- for months that you know it your cap in how I act. And all my -- I was. Pocket and I'd I'd like an -- hazardous under the I don't say he hasn't had -- I saw last night yeah -- you know he -- you know."

" know everything. Do you love your current. A lot. TP he's the one. So this is the person -- has been dressing -- Okay we're gonna go ahead and open up the phone lines and give him advice on what to do. In a situation whether -- not mean you should cool head or maybe -- some other. It's something every now you say you can't really easily quit."

" You know -- it. I -- or June or may not -- believe is next here. How can you how difficult would it would be for you find another job. Free account access it is -- a lot AB had an okay. So this is a job you're really passion about and it's very difficult to get the job. Okay."

" Went over the phone -- 888925554. T have any advice or solution at all for amber give me -- this is your time it's MI percent."

" Run -- line with amber she works with her ex. And it's causing a problem in her current relationship the big question is what should she do about that should she quit her job. -- any sort of other solutions for her hi Shelly here on the line with amber."

" I amber. I what's your by Shelly I would be much but the other -- and that and my advice for you Hamburg as if it's truly love the guy that you're west. I would get a new job. -- because it won't -- seriously. It won't last as long as that guy is lingering. Yeah I know what I've ever had a clean breaks for me my -- but it's clean light more than a couple weeks like awake -- night. In I don't act and to. That you I don't have an end here and it sounds like. Yeah market."

" Always around it. Being asked -- stuff yeah. Yeah and -- by -- I Tonya welcome to the show. Away on the line with amber -- some advice for her."

" Yeah fat I am I thinking had he I think he could have. He's very honest conversations. One with her act obviously. He's going down some sort of emotional boundaries there. I mean they're letting him know that no mind game nothing professional and be tolerated and even use very sorry person this would you and then the average. If he's you know are -- help me that the -- said. He can help or look for another job in her elder but back then not this bark at what the problem is that you know otherwise. And try it out and you they can maintain -- professional whereas only emails. Or only you know. You know something -- off and then you know pick at a time period where they re evaluate it says the current boyfriend and south."

" Amber have you had. A conversation with your ex that was very candid and very straightforward and very serious."

" Yeah I actually and hand me now about a month in Africa -- Pretty much. That you play games like whether you want an and -- not -- I -- and Eric are. Conversations and many want from my conversations they acted it it'll of them are personal look at our personal that mark. And that's quite right and -- and where it's at that's been professional and it does payment protection act like Larry Larry I'm talking. And old inkjet is it I caught up act but by and -- eating out means you need to state. But the action parody was a purple over. It's aren't those emotional hearings then why do you get parents -- but -- doesn't mean that the -- as yet. He -- art scene -- and a couple of emails after network strictly for action all. And and after that he that was like little joke just like that more personal. Open mean -- and into -- pac man and a phone call at an apartment but it -- my grandpa my hand and."

" You hold your ground that's what you need to do you need to be serious and hold your ground thank you so much for your call Tanya Moore I I Victoria. On the line with amber what's going on what's your advice."

" I think that that by the Bob has she argument and even got the -- and I think that's the main question. Now now -- connect at my point. Right but I think it right now if you let your dot about the economy elated you need to keep that there is keeping -- here in the pop up a conversation and perhaps seek -- you wanna business -- about make them more comfortable it's in the hotel it's healed but are saying but. As bad economic obsessed pop up would be comfortable with it being you at present -- with me and as a --"

" Would he say I -- okay okay thank you Victoria get advice. So amber. Here's what I think. I think that. You do need two. Sets I like platonic type you said we you have to set some real serious boundaries. And he would talk to your -- and say listen this needs to be strictly professional and I will not. I won't cave into anything else and you have to be and you have to be strong it's not your exes -- it's your fault. Okay you have to be the one that -- that boundary and holds to it your ax has no obligation to your current relationship. So. He can try to weasel his way back and to be all joke keying in and relax with you but it's your job to hold that boundary. I don't think you should quit your job. In less I don't think you even consider quitting and wish -- married. If you're not married to this man don't even consider it thank. Trust me on that one cousy you know it's it's just not a good idea because what if you quit and then the relationship ends and in -- it's one thing if you're married it's another thing if you're just in our relationship. I'll that they want to get married may be that is something you should then discussed if it's really causing a problem in your in your relationship that you need to decide. What do you love -- you love him Marty let your job more. And you do have to make that choice and I also like. You know I. I that are not it was time -- said that you know the review Shelly actually the relationship. Will last forever the job. You know you probably not to do this job for every anyway. But the marriage if you are married could potentially last for our keys and sand. In the meantime. So he could you not -- it's. In the meantime like is that you to have a candid discussion which your -- and you need to be to wanna charge of holding that boundary and IPT need to be 100%. Totally upfront and disclose. Everything to your current partner that he never ever is suspicious or find out things after the fact. Or has any reason I mean if you. Contact your acts and because of work."

" Thanks CC -- I mean put it in -- make him feel totally in one hot 100% comfortable with that arrangement. -- joining you can't just do wanton and they say hey here's C there united."

" oh yes you're asking you I'm sick of hearing about and that they're. You know he said I don't know about it I don't want houses incorporate so I like doing exactly that and then in my it's not -- you know -- stand."

" The case and you have a candid discussion -- your current and analysts and I'm just gonna pitch in the loop on everything if you don't wanna -- the announcement just don't read and delete them cash. Yet just disclose everything if you have to stay late and work with your -- it's it's going trip. You know whenever disclose everything and anything be totally upfront before anything happens not after the fact okay. Because it stayed on before hand tea I have to stay late and work with so and so. You say upfront rather than coming home later in the day like -- had to stay -- and he finds out the X was Ericsson and saying. Well I hope that helps. Good luck so. -- situation thanks for calling. By amber --"

" Is your time antivirus and thanks for joining me tonight if you have a problem our dilemma and you need some advice email and -- your time -- dot com."

" Your time as you -- percent have never the bride kidnapping I'd never heard about this until today. A -- you sent me an article. Just all the article really was. -- are being kidnapped -- Pakistan is at the place Kurdistan Kurdistan will they're being kidnapped currently all over the eastern your -- used to be Russia. I yes and I had never ever heard of this before but apparently it's. Fairly comment I guess in that area 80% of brides are kidnapped. Like plate kidnapping. I don't think so. I think it's like genuine bona -- kidnapped and like a couple dating and you know it's putting a ring on your now now now now demand just decides on which bright he wants he goes and shops around the village. And picks one out he keeps it secret. Sky had a secret Santa -- in -- way. And any gets his friends together and they arm themselves. And whether it's yes tiger kidnapping. I have real thing. They go and they hide an and they wait for the girl and the girl comes out of where she's coming up from an -- grabber and they kidnappers runoff. Apparently this started because. It's interesting when -- historical. They call her beauty. They say and he runs off with the -- to -- that extent that I thinking okay if that's maybe that's for the term became fractured right. So I guess this is done because over -- that area of the world you're supposed to instead of a dowry -- the watch the bride's family pays. The grooms family. They haven't opposite where you have to pay a bride price -- by a bright and this is their way of getting around buying the bride they kidnap and instead. Now and it -- it can't afford the price this isn't something young girls and their dream of I don't think so but I don't know why they don't leave they don't leave they'd -- just consider how to practice like I guess we're going to be kidnapped Sunday better than -- kidnapped by the bright sky. -- my gosh I make dating a lot easier doesn't that. -- is -- kidnapping."